Why do I continue to doubt God? Maybe it's because I'm a human being with only a finite capability to understand the world around me.
I get so encouraged reading about the moments in scripture when Jesus's own disciples grappled with their doubt. Even though they physically walked side-by-side with Jesus, that didn't change the fact that they, like me, were nothing but clueless humans trying to understand what the all-knowing God was doing.
Take Simon Peter for instance. In Luke, chapter 5, he and his business partners were going about the normal routine of washing their nets on the shore. After a long, hard night of fishing they caught nothing. Perhaps they were tired and frustrated about that. Or maybe they knew that that was all part of being fishermen -- sometimes the nets come back empty. Either way, they were done for the day.
Enter Jesus. Borrowing Simon Peter's boat, he asked Simon to put out a little from shore so he could sit and teach the people from it. After he finished teaching them the word of God, he told Simon to take him out to deep waters for a catch. Watch Peter's response...
"Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.'" (Luke 5:5)
What was his initial reaction? He questioned Jesus. Do you hear the hint of doubt in his statement? Peter couldn't stop it from coming out, Um, excuse me master, we have already worked hard all night, and we caught nothing. Doubting and questioning the master's plan and request, Peter was once again impulsively reacting without thinking.
But as many of us impulsive people do, he quickly recovered. But because you say so, I will do it. What happend next overwhelmed Simon and his companions to the point that the nets began to break, the boat began to sink, and his business partners had to come help him out. There was such a miraculous catch of fish that Simon and his companions were astonished. Filled with healthy fear and awe, Simon worshipfully fell at the feet of his Master, proclaimed him as Lord, and confessed that he was a sinful man. It was a pivotal moment for Simon, James and John; the moment that led them to leave everything, follow Jesus and become true "fishers-of-men."
How often do I doubt like Simon Peter did. Um, excuse me Lord, I've been doing that and it hasn't worked. And how often do I respond with a shrug of my shoulders, a raise of my brow, followed by, Okay Lord. I don't know how that's going to work, but because you say so, I'll go ahead and do it. The state of my heart in that moment isn't one of worshipful obedience, it's one full of doubt and arrogant disbelief of my master's ability to see the bigger picture.
But thankfully, the Lord's view isn't limited like mine. He ignores my disbelief, takes what I see as impossibility and turns it into the miraculous, leading me to fall at his feet in reverent awe and healthy fear, confessing that I am but a sinner. Encouragingly, he tells me not to fear, and uses that moment to increase my faith, so that I will have no other option than to learn to trust, leave everything behind and follow Him.
